I should be sleeping. Yet, here I sit, wondering what it must be like for you in heaven tonight. Can it really be that you would have been 3 years old today? But, today you are celebrating 3 ½ years in heaven. To think that the first time you opened your eyes, you were beholding the face of Jesus. What an amazing, everlasting moment you are experiencing right now! Though I’m thankful you never had to face the evil of this world, my heart still aches for you, sweet boy.
With another Father’s Day having come and gone, I sit here pondering and thinking about all the fathers who have lost children. More awareness is being made for those mothers who have miscarried, lost children, or are trying to conceive. There’s more of a sensitivity to the loss. Having lost three of our own precious babies, I am very appreciative of this growing sensitivity. This recognition in some way helps the burden not be so hard to bear, though it doesn’t necessarily heal the hurt. Yet, I couldn’t help but think and wonder about the fathers. They too have suffered loss, but we don’t focus on them. We tend to unintentionally gloss over their hurt simply because they don’t express it in the way we would expect.
So, I just wanted to write to you, the father who has lost a child . . . Continue reading →
I want to introduce you to my dear friend, Ruth, and to share her story with you. Ruth had been one of my high school teachers and was my cheerleading coach for a couple seasons. I never imagined that several years later, we would endure similar life challenges that would bring us together as friends.
Back when we lost our son, Andrew, I found myself in a very dark place. At that time, Bible verses weren’t a comfort to me, and (frankly) it frustrated me the more people kept sending me verses. I was trying so hard not to be angry with God, and though people meant well, that gesture just made me more angry. During that time, Ruth messaged me.
We hadn’t talked in years, so I was kind of surprised by hearing from her. What she said in her message helped me in so many ways. She shared her story with me. She too had lost a son through pregnancy loss, and she went on to describe the feelings that I was feeling at that very time. She related to me and reached out in the most tangible way she could. I truly think that her reaching out to me is what helped dispel my anger towards God.
Ruth has since become a great friend and dear mentor to me. She and her family have endured a lot of loss, but God continues to be faithful. I asked her if she would mind sharing her story on my blog. I feel like her story could help so many people. She obliged and took the time to write out the journey God has allowed their family to go through. Here is her (their) story . . . Continue reading →
Mother’s Day is a wonderful and deserved celebration, but I wonder how often we forget those who aren’t able to be mothers. I do understand the loss of miscarriage, having gone through it three times myself. But, I don’t understand what it’s like to struggle with infertility. I can’t even imagine the pain that it causes. I remember having conversations with my sister who struggled with infertility for a couple years, and I could always hear the pain in her voice . I never knew exactly what to say. (Praise the Lord, she and her husband are now proud parents of a beautiful, baby girl. That is an incredible story I’ll have to share in another post.) It’s hard to know how to be an encouragement to someone going through something you’ve never experienced.
I know how painful it was to lose three of our babies. I know that pain, but I don’t know how it compares to the pain of infertility. Sometimes I’ll try to put myself in the shoes of those who can’t bear, and the weight of that imagined pain is difficult enough. To have to go through that in reality would be devastating.
I don’t have much to write on this topic, because I haven’t experienced it. But, I just want to implore you to not forget those who can’t be mothers. Please let that infertile mother know that she is not forgotten. Let her know you are thinking of her. Send her a gift of encouragement. Send her a card that says you are thinking of her. Pray for her. Mother’s Day is, perhaps, the most painful day for her. If you know someone who struggles with infertility or pregnancy loss, you can help ease the pain by showing her love and reminding her that she is not forgotten.
I who gave you heartburn that a dragon would envy,
I who couldn’t seem to tell time and got your days and nights mixed up,
It is i who acknowledged your craving for ice cream by knocking the cold bowl off your belly,
I who went shopping and helped you pick out the perfect teddy bear for me,
I who liked to be cradled in your belly and rocked off to dreamy slumber by the fire,
It is I who never had a doubt about your love,
It is I who was able to put a lifetime of joy into an instant.
Oh sweet baby, we could never forget you. You don’t know how much joy you brought to us through the brief amount of time we had you. I’ll never forget that you made me crave mint milkshakes every stinkin day or that I started showing with you as early as nine weeks. You grew so low in my belly that I was convinced you were growing in my gutt! Daddy was sick with the flu on the night we found out I was pregnant with you. But, despite how sick he was, he still had the biggest smile on his face. He grabbed my belly and gave you the first of many kisses you ever received.
I’ll never forget the first time we got to see you. You were like a little boxer in my belly. Your arms and legs were going at crazy speeds as if you were trying to fight some invisible being. Daddy and I chuckled at how much you kept moving, because we knew that we would have our hands full with you and Ian. But, we were still so incredibly excited!
January 19 marked the first and the last day we got to hold you in our hands. It’s hard to believe it’s been over eight months now. The pain of losing you still feels so fresh on our hearts. Mommy loves you so much, baby. You were so perfect and so handsome. You know you would be three months old now? I wish I could be holding you tightly in my arms instead of writing this letter. Sweetheart, mommy is pregnant again, but I want you to know that you could never be replaced. We still love you just as much as we love your brothers.
Though we so badly wish you could be here with us, God has you in His arms now, and you couldn’t be in a better place. I’m sure you already know that. Please take care of your other brothers or sisters who are also with you right now. Tell them that mommy and daddy can’t wait to meet them, and that we love them so much! We miss you, little man, and we thank God every day for the brief moment that we were able to be called your parents. Until we meet again, we will hang onto every memory and every little bit we have of you. We love you, sweet baby.